The Watcher
A Nightmare of Epic Proportions.
This is a reoccurring nightmare. It began after my mama died. She had gifted me a trip to India. So I was on a train to go there. I was on my device and met a man on social media. He was very kind to me during my time of grief. I had written a lot about my life and I shared it’s entirety with him, during a moment of vulnerability. This also allowed him to access my entire device, and everything I have ever written.

What ensued was a relentless blackmail campaign. I ignored him, even though I was terrified. He eventually went away.

Until…..
That period of peace gave me a false sense of security. Because he was there the whole time, waiting for his opportunity to reappear and disrupt my life.

I was living with my dad and siblings. Out of the blue, this man’s special icon appeared on my screen. Like, as if to nefariously say “hello.” As if to remind me, “I am still watching you.” Then, all these download bars started downloading my device. I tried to cancel them, but they wouldn’t stop, no matter what I did. I asked Brandon for help stopping them, he said he could no problem, but was unsuccessful. I can even hear the sound from the downloading, it was very specific. Like 90’s downloads. 

I’m uncertain why the thought of all my writing being exposed is such a terrifying idea. There is a lot personal stuff I’d feel apprehensive about the world seeing. But I mean, it’s not like anyone would even read it, would they? 

I think the lesson here, is that I need to be careful who I let into my life. And there’s a lot of shame in these dreams as well. Like, embarrassment that I’d been so naïve as to give a stranger so much unrestricted access to my life. I was basically victim blaming myself. 

It just came to me.Do you know how religious people often like to believe an all loving God is watching over them? And how that makes them feel safe and connected to something bigger? That having a paternal figure so invested in their lives makes them feel secure. Well, I let that stranger on social media into my life because ultimately I was lonely. The idea of someone loving, who cared, watching over me, knowing me, and what is in my heart, was irresistible. 

It boils down to our need to be known and understood. Which I think is a universal human trait. But when someone is very vulnerable and very lonely, it can be easy to fall prey to artificial kindness. The internet makes it easy for predators to find their victims. 

The thing is, I felt so safe at first. With this kind stranger having complete access to my life. But, after the fact, my mind started telling me I’d made a huge mistake. However, it was too late to take back what I’d done. I was efficiently trapped.