Disconnected
*So disconnected, so unseen; I might be in a dream. Am I alive? How would I know if I was not? How do any of us know, for that matter? Do other people exist? Or is it just me here, believing I am not alone? All I can ever be sure of is my own existence.

It is lonely existing, as a mere person. One living organism. I want to belong to a massive conglomeration. To not be one thing, but everything. Which is what we are, to be true. I do not feel a universal connection with the cosmos.

Daydreaming
A place to escape.
A constructed utopia. For me.
A fresh new life to live and exist in.
I am everything I ever wanted to be here,
Inside the safety of my dream.

Inside My Dream Scene
Disconnected, unseen;
Might I be, inside a dream?
Is it only I, encased inside this screen?
A place in space, with everyone’s life in place.
Watching a performance.
A virtual convention,
For lonely humans, convalescing.
Where the invisible unseen, convene.
Perfect lives, displayed on screen.
A performative presentation,
Just to be recognized,
Just to be seen.
Inside each other’s dream scene.

Inside My Dream Scene 2.0
So much time for introspection.
Missing an alive and breathing,
Authentic human being,
Connection.
Unnaturally habituated.
Interconnections, disconnected.
Next level soul-connection,
Rejected.
Here, Inside my dream scene.

Hard Driven Machine
Am I but, a machine?
A system of operation?
A self-replicating, bacterial blob?
An energizer, consuming?
A hard-driven machine, configuring,
Eternally rebooting.

Evolution, theorizing itself into consciousness?
Is that, but all we are?
An automatically driven car?
With nothing magical, to being alive?
But a mere, biologically programmed Hive?

*These are the questions that make me sad. And evoke a passionate desire to be known. To ask these questions to another soul. To not have these thoughts, rolling around, alone inside my mind, where they can get out of hand.

A miraculous accident, to be sure.
But we are alive human beings!
We are not blobs of matter!
We need one and another, do we not?

*From studying how people interact on social media, I have concluded that we, as human beings living in societies, are plagued by a type of loneliness. You can be around people and still be very lonely, btw. Additionally, people need to be validated and recognized. What they need, is to be seen. To be told they are special and important.

When I stop and think about it, I feel like everyone is just needing their chance to shine and to be seen. And people are trying to get their unmet need for human connection met in a very superficial kind of way. And it is a dopamine rush for people to receive social media clout. I am sure it can become an addiction, and people are relying on the attention they get to feel good about themselves.

Admittedly, I have done the same thing. That was mostly in the past. I am mostly an observer now and prefer silence. Historically, I have been a very social person. I liked being around people and making connections. To a point at least. But now, idk what happened to me. I am a shell of my formal self. I feel abominably alone in this universe.

People Inside Screens
People inside screens, desirous to be seen.
Image projectors, performing a scene.
Pretending perfection, reality deflecting.
Just to be seen, inside their screen.

Abominable Loneliness
We are not meant to be alone, but it isn’t so simple as merely finding friends. It is impossible to be so lucky, to find the perfect person that you feel a deep connection with. A person that has similar values and beliefs. It is also of note, that not everyone is in a healthy mental state. I have learned through experience that some friendships can be harmful towards my wellbeing, and even the wellbeing of my family.

The thing is…I miss the warm feeling of human connection. The feeling of loving each other. With friendships in the past, I was not sure if it was love, but I fooled myself into thinking it was. Because being that close to someone feels safe to me.

A person can have love, and still be lonely. As is the case for me. It’s strange but I need a close kind of friendship. Where there are deeper discussions that are philosophical. Or where there is simply a different kind of companionship. Partners cannot offer everything needed, and they shouldn’t have to. In an ideal world, I would have close friends to engage with.

I crave extreme closeness and have been fooled into believing there was a deeper bond than there was. To them, I was merely an acquaintance. That can be earth-shattering. When a delusion is broken wide open, and you see how unimportant you are to the person, it is crushing.

It took years to come back to my right mind. It was a slow and gradual process. And then weirdly, in the end, we did become good friends. But now, the friendship is healthy. Back then, I wanted a very deep connection, even without even knowing them very well. I felt a connection and it magically expanded and got out of hand.

Yet, real, authentic human connections that are healthy are exceedingly rare. You must be lucky. It can also be a privilege, in a sense. To be lucky enough to be surrounded by the right crowd. I could join all kinds of groups, but I could also fall prey to my delusions again. I could find a friend, and one or both of us would latch on. It could become too intense.

It was the same kind of situation with Janet. My friend from one South. We latched on to each other and became close, amazingly fast. I did not realize that it wasn’t natural. But it is natural for me. And it was beautiful for a while. Feeling that love and fondness. Looking forward to seeing them every day. All our long talks, all the laughing. But outside of that contained space, things became very messy and out of hand. Suddenly, there was a lot more chaos. It was luck, that she lived in another province. It was the same with Evelyn. I got lucky that she moved to another city.

I sure do miss my deep friendships, and how nice they felt, but I am a great deal more careful now about who I let into my life. I understand now, that establishing deep friendships takes time. It might feel good to bond with other humans, but what happens after that, is what to be careful about. One just never knows where a person is at, if they are safe. They could become a chaotic force in my life, and I’m quite frankly too old for that. I can hope though, can I not? To eventually find a tribe of humans where I belong. That is a nice dream.