When are you most happy?

I am happy in snippets. Moments here and there, where joyfulness blooms, where laughter booms.

I like mornings, usually. Only not when I'm in my depressive days. But we aren’t talking about those. I enjoy mornings with my family. Where we have coffee together, talking and laughing about random things. 

I am happy on special days. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas. Days like that. Where we have an excuse to celebrate. We shouldn't need an excuse. The days leading up to Christmas are also happy days, for the most part. 

Now don't get me wrong. Your idea of happiness and my idea of happiness are likely two separate things. I would describe my happiness as more of a feeling of contentment. Where I am not feeling the crushing hopelessness I do during my depressive periods.

As far as happiness, as in joyfulness? Hmmmmm. I enjoy visiting with my family. I mean, my siblings, my dad, my mom. Although my mom is no longer with us. She was the glue that brought us all together. Ugh. I hate that she's gone so very, very much. I love seeing my nieces and nephews and my in-laws. We do so, have fun when we all get together. Of course, alcohol is often involved. We behave ourselves though, these days, now being much older people. 

These events are not quite as lively as they once were, but they are still happy times. I do not chase happiness the same way that I did as a younger person. For me, being content is much more valuable to me than being happy. Knowing that our bills and our rent are paid equals contentment. Seeing our dog Sunny curled up in a ball on the couch=contentment. Having our children with us, under one roof=contentment. 

Ugh! Chasing happiness is a dangerous endeavour, in the end, leading to some quite unpleasant consequences. For instance, spending money on things I wanted, once brought me happiness. But later, whether hours or days later, there would be fallout. The money would be gone and we'd have to sacrifice a bill being paid so we could get by. Pretty soon, we would be buried in unpaid bills and debt. We did own a home. We did. And guess what? Chasing happiness through spending money eventually made us lose our beloved home. 

That house did make me happy. Genuinely happy. And I threw it away. It was my fault.

I had licensed daycare there, with so many happy memories. We had a nice yard. Our children and daycare children had a playground and tree house. I loved that house. Oh, and we had nice neighbours too. Everything about living in that house was great. There was a neighbour I walked with every single day. We had a social life. 

But here is the problem with happiness. People want to chase it because they are never content with their lives. There is always something missing. Something they want. Something that will make them feel better, lift them up. That was me. That's why I shun happiness now.

Contentment is the pathway towards peace. And even on some of my worst days, I can find contentment to a certain degree. Having my family around me, our beloved dog, a nice meal, a good movie, show, or book, can provide some level of contentment. It might not be in quite the same way as when I am feeling better mentally, but it is still worth an awful lot to me. 

There is a problem we have, this need to chase happiness. This is all the fault of the capitalist world we all are forced to participate in. Younger people have it the worst because many have not yet learned to value contentment over happiness. Happiness is fleeting. Remember that. It will pass, and what will be left in it's ruin? You have to think about that before purchasing that all-inclusive vacation or whatever it is that you believe will make you happy.

I am not lecturing you, not at all. I am in no way in a position to judge anyone's life choices. This is just something I've had to learn the hard way, and I hope I can spare a younger person the same financial downfall through chasing happiness. 

In this world, we are forced to look and see what other people have, and the lifestyles they are living. We want that, too. I mean, who wouldn't want a nice home, BMW, or a vacation? That is the problem with inequality and capitalism. If everyone were in the same boat, we wouldn't be comparing ourselves to each other. You can probably guess I'm not a huge fan of capitalism. Not because I want stuff I can't have. I don't give as many fucks anymore about that. It's because of all the oppression and injustice that are a result of the excess and greed of the most wealthy in society. 

But I digress, as I do every time I write. It has taken decades, but over the past 10 or so years, I have settled down. I am no longer chasing happiness, because I know the consequences now. I value contentment, over all else. I no longer give a single fuck about purchasing items to make myself feel a certain way. I no longer care about clothing, makeup, or hair products. Not anymore. I no longer care about having fancy ingredients, for making fancy things to eat. I am content with a sandwich now.

Okay, there are a few things that would increase my contentment and also might make me happy. But I am not entitled to those things, nobody is. Even rich people are not entitled to it. Lol! Richies! Just kidding, of course. Nobody is entitled though. Not really.

Okay, it would be nice to go camping or stay in a cabin by a lake for a while. A vacation to another country? That's hard to imagine happening, but it would be wonderful of course. On the other hand, we would never leave our dog behind. A nice car, in excellent condition. Where we didn't have to worry if it might decide to break down, would be nice. But we do have a pretty great vehicle. We live in a home. Our rent is up to date. We have food to eat.

I am content. My kids are content. We all live together and support each other. We are content. I am pleased that neither of our adult children are like the way we were with money. So yeah. Having us all here, together under one roof, is pretty great. I feel sad for younger people who are shoved out into the world so unceremoniously. It helps that we all get along so well, of course. And we all respect each other's space. 

Anyway, my point is that I have come to value contentment over happiness. Any happy moment is a bonus, not a requirement. I do not have the drive I once had to achieve happiness or what I felt would make me happy. If only I'd learned this as a younger person. I will not have regrets though. Since I am a determinist, I realize the path of my life unfolded as it was pre-determined to. So I will end this here, saying I am content here on my couch, with my dog, drinking coffee and writing. I'll gladly welcome contentment into my life. Happiness can be out there, somewhere else. Here in this house, lives contentment. 

Another thing I forgot to add, and probably the most important aspect for me, in terms of being happy or content, is when the people I care about are happy, I am at peace. Or even if the people I am around are happy. Happiness is contagious, is it not? Another thing that creates contentment or happiness in me, is hard work, or completing a task. Feeling accomplished, feeling useful, feeling needed, all contribute to my sense of well-being. Admittedly, those things have been absent in my life for a long time.

With our kids being grown, I am no longer needed in the same way as I previously was. I am not employed, so I don't have the satisfaction of coming home after a day of hard work. My executive functioning has gone down the tubes, since my children have grown, and I've stopped working. It seems, if I don't absolutely have to do something, I don't do it. That's a whole other topic though.