Share what you know about the year you were born.

I am not a learned person, so don’t expect me to spout facts about the popular culture that existed the year I was born. Additionally, I don’t know what was happening in the world that year either. I could look up the year, and provide you with all sorts of data to make myself look more intelligent, but I’m not gonna do that.

One thing I do know, is that in Canada, the year I was born, women did not have the right to choose. Ask me how I know this? I know this because I was not meant to exist. That would be fine though, because I wouldn’t have known any different one way or the other, so who cares?

This is not a sad story. I know I was wanted. I know I was loved, regardless. My poor mama, already had two babies, she had her hands very full as it was. When she found out she was pregnant again, she wanted an abortion. Back then, the woman had to go before a board of Doctors, and they decided if there was a good enough reason to terminate the pregnancy.

Keep in my mind, that all of these doctors were male. This is abhorrent to me. Imagining my poor mama sitting there surrounded by a bunch of judgemental men, deciding  the the outcome of HER life. It makes me sick! Men who have no clue the toll pregnancy and childbirth have on our bodies. Men who know very well, it will be her that will be responsible for the vast majority of the childcare.

So after the humiliation of sitting there surrounded by all these men, deciding HER future, she also had to endure an unwanted pregnancy and childbirth. Nevermind having to raise another child that she knew would be very difficult for her to manage.

I do not have any ill feelings towards my mom. I wouldn’t even be writing about this except for the fact that she is no longer alive. She would have been crushed if she’d been aware that I knew about this.  So how did I know, you ask?

I will say first of all, I do not blame my dad for spilling the beans. And I was not hurt by the knowledge that I was initially unwanted. It was four days before our wedding. We were all sitting outside in the sunshine having a few drinks. My friend Carmen was singing and playing the guitar. It was a fun time. My dad had some sentimentality come over him. He took me aside and spilled the beans. He told me to never blame my mom or tell her that I knew.

He wanted me to know that he was the one who wanted me, and he was glad the doctors did not allow my mama an abortion. It may have been a misguided revelation, but he wanted me to know I was loved.

I do not want to be told by any of you, that you are glad I exist. I have had a shitty life consisting of nothing but struggle after struggle. Mostly due to my mental health. Mostly due to my conditions. Mostly due various traumatic events that have occurred. I am not blaming anyone for any of that.

There have been moments of happiness and contentment, yes. But the years of anxiety were horrific. Keep in mind, I believed, for most of my young adult life that I had AID’s. I really believed this. I was too afraid to be tested. I thought the result would be positive and I’d rather not know for sure.

Additionally, I believed there would be a disaster of some kind wiping out the entire planet. I would imagine all sorts of scenarios in my mind. I would be sitting silently, in a cold sweat, terrified. I never told anyone, or talked about my fears. It was all happening only inside my head.

But I digress. The abortion laws in my country, are the only facts I know regarding the year I was born. I know I was loved, and I know my mama had no regrets that I was born. She should have been allowed to choose for herself though. A bunch of men shouldn’t have been the ones deciding HER FUTURE! I would not know any different, because I wouldn’t exist to feel any sort of way about it.

I don’t want any religious people telling me I am a gift from God either. Please, just don’t. I respect your beliefs, but I don’t want to hear that. I never should have been born.

BTW, the year was 1971. Yes I know I am old, lol!