How are you creative?

Here is my self-expression exposition. A drawing I created by my very own self, lol! My daughter is an artist and she made a beautiful digital art of a turtle, so I was inspired to create this childish creation. It took me about one minute. I had fun though. That is what creating should be like. It should be fun.

Lately, I have expressed my creativity by writing. I love the internal feeling that I have when I am inspired to write. I love my determination and my complete focus. Mostly I love being able to freely express myself. I do not feel stifled or silenced. I am not being interrupted or gaslit. I like being myself. An unapologetic self-portrayal of who I am. The release that happens within me, is healing. It's like I have a lot of stuff that needs to come out.

In the past, I was quite creative in a lot of different ways. However, I was usually self-medicated. In that state of mind, I've been able to create the most beautiful landscaped yards. Beautiful flowers growing, pathways, the whole nine yards. Oh, and of course, with rocks. I do so love rocks. In that state of mind, I can work with a passion for hours and hours. I can't deny that I miss those substance-fueled inspirations. 

But this is the new me. My present yard is not as glorious as previous yards, but it is nice with growing things everywhere. My daughter helps to make it nice. It's like apathy has come over me, in my new self. It's like I just stare at the weeds and can't give one single fuck about them. I previously loved to weed. But alas, this is me now. I try my best to motivate myself. I can sometimes. At least I water my plants. That's something, right? 

I've also nearly killed a great deal of houseplants. Outright murdering some of them. Now, when a plant starts looking bedraggled, we give it to my son, and he nurtures it back to life. Still, my house is full of plants. I like to be around them. They offer me some peace. It's certain things, that offer me a level of comfort. Our dog Sunny, for instance. In my darkest days, some things make existing bearable. Sometimes making it through the day is my biggest accomplishment. 

Writing has been therapeutic for me, these past few months. And it wouldn't be the same without someone else reading it. It would be pretty goddamn lonely, in fact. Isn't that why we create things? To show ourselves in a creative exposition. "Here I am!" "See me!" We need to relate to one another, do we not? We need to be real. We can't pretend. We can't. We need to honestly portray ourselves. Otherwise, what is the point?

Besides, pretending for people is exhausting, is it not? I hate it. And I hate small talk. The self-medicating helped a lot in social situations. I didn't feel nervous. I didn't struggle with creating a facade of myself that was pleasing. I could be myself and relax. I didn't care as much about presenting myself a certain way. Un-medicated, I could hear my voice and how it sounded different. How I was pretending to be positive and happy for the benefit of those around me. I hated it. 

This is another reason I have been isolated from society. Mingling with people is just too uncomfortable. And I don't really like most people. At least not how they are when they are performing. I want the truth. For myself and others. I want all of us to be real. 

Here, on this platform, we can be real. What would the point be, otherwise? For a while, I liked to draw. But I felt sad that people weren't seeing what I was trying to show them. I lost my inspiration. You create for yourself as well. That is true. It feels cathartic to be absorbed in your art. But for me, I needed to share too. And maybe the people I was sharing with were not relating to me or seeing me in the way I wanted them to. It made me cry sometimes. That's how sad it made me feel. It felt like my ethos was being outright rejected. Tho, I do know it wasn't personal. They weren't trying to hurt me. Idk. 

I like it here. I have finally found a place where I can be real. Where I can honestly reveal myself, the good, bad, and the ugly. And I do so love reading other blogs, stories, and poetry. What is so great about this place, is that it is not merely an echo chamber. We are all from different parts of the world and different cultures. Additionally, we are all different ages. I love reading what the younger people have to say and I learn so much from seeing their perspective. I love reading about what my own age group is feeling and doing. I love reading what the oldest of us write about. I love seeing how other people are existing in this world, wherever they are geographically. It is amazing. It is eye-opening.

Anyway, it is Christmas for us. Not everyone celebrates Christmas. We do, but we are not religious people. I tried to go to church to learn some things, but I quit. I couldn't handle all the pretending. The thing I do admire though, about church people is how they sing. I liked the singing part the most. It's fun singing with a bunch of people. You don't care because everyone is singing. You don't feel singled out in any way. I do not like feeling singled out. I like to blend in.

Anyway. Thanks for reading about me, and seeing who I am.