Where is the man who threatened to murder me?
It's been years, and there has been no sign of him.

Once I thought I saw him in a car. The guy looked shady, so I just assumed it was him.

He said he was coming. He promised. Yet he never came. Goddamn, that promise-breaker!

*This poor guy that I blasted so terribly on the internet for his bigoted and hateful viewpoints, promised me he was coming to kill me and my entire family. Since then, we have all been waiting for him, wondering when he was going to show up.

This morning, as we were all having our first cup of coffee, my daughter asked me about him. It is a running joke in our family.

Tho at first, admittedly, I was a little afraid. But then my daughter made it into a funny thing. I am reassured that there is no way this guy can find me. Additionally, he didn't seem smart enough to be able to navigate travelling anywhere besides maybe a trip to his local pub. I think I am safe.

Besides, it's been years. And although we are always wondering where he is, he just never shows up.

It is disturbing tho. The hatefulness that exists in the world. It helps to make it a funny thing. Although it really isn't funny. I enjoy dark humour. As long as it doesn't punch down.

But I think we must transform this hatred into something else. Something that won't eat away at us. What better way than to turn their toxic waste into something funny? Why would I want to let their vitriolic bile infect me and my family?

I am proficient at bullying the bullies of this world. I am very good at turning the tables and making them look incredibly stupid. Which of course they are incredibly stupid. The wrong kind of stupid. There is no point in trying to engage in a constructive conversation with people like that.

There is no point in the "kindness tactic" that I sometimes try on people. Trying to connect with their inner goodness is pointless. There is no inner goodness existing inside them. Not anymore.

So what I do, in those situations, is I bully the crap out of them, and it is fun. Make no mistake. It is a cathartic experience. At the same time, you must be careful. I rarely fight online anymore. I did it for years. I was highly motivated though. It becomes tiring after a while. And the hatred, seeing it, can be too much.

The reason I fought so hard was not only for my satisfaction but to stand in solidarity with the bullied parties. Sometimes I was the bullied party, and my gender was under attack by misogyny. Those were the hardest fights. Because there is a lot that comes up. It was like being revictimized all over again. But I had a drive to fight those misogynists. Sometimes, I would try to teach them.

But the thing is, these online bullies are ever so sneaky. I can spot them now tho. The sneaky ones. They are not discussing in good faith. Even if they are calm and seemingly respectful, underneath they are vile. They have no desire to learn or understand another perspective. None at all.

Those types are the worst bullies. The ones who are sneaky. Who's questions are not for them to learn, but for them to find another angle to bully us. 

I am not as active in these online fights for justice, as I was. I do want to stand in solidarity with the bullied parties. The marginalized group that's being targeted needs to see that people are on their side. For example, I very much appreciated it when a man would fight on behalf of women. That is very impactful. After all, they are trying to bully us because they see us as weak. When another man steps in, they are the most threatened.

But it is ever so emotionally exhausting, is it not? To fight those people? Yes, it can be empowering. But you have to be careful because it can very easily create great distress in you. You are in the presence of evil. The very worst of the worst. That is what I call the unredeemed. The ones that have become toxic blobs of waste. It's not their fault, but I don't care. I don't care about the trauma that made them that way. Or their brain damage, or their DNA. I don't care about their childhood. I care about children. But this evil monstrosity is no longer a child, so I don't give a single goddamn fuck about them.

This man thought he could scare me, but in the end, he only became a family joke. 

I bully because it's cathartic. It feels good to fight back. It feels wonderful to know you are winning in the fight against evil. They are trying to harm innocent people with their hatred. The targeted people shouldn't have to be the ones fighting. But they should be able to see that they are not alone, that they are supported. 

I go through phases. As of now, I have stepped away, for the most part. Additionally, I previously posted a lot of stuff on FB about social justice topics. An awful lot, a great deal. I was angry at what I was seeing. But the thing is, I have to be ready for the backlash. For the comments. For the misunderstanding. I am not posting to a particular person. But there always seems to be someone who takes my post personally. I wonder why? Hmmmmm? Very curious indeed.

I am on FB less and less, these days. If I post anything, it is usually something funny. Or I'll post some music. I rarely post about myself anymore. I once posted a lot about my personal opinions, which, of course, stirred controversy. I also posted a lot about my personal life and my experiences. Attempting to be vulnerable, I guess. Seeking understanding and support. 

The thing is tho, is that kind of posting often made me feel exposed. Vulnerability can be scary. You need to be safe. You need to know you will be supported by whoever you share with. There needs to be a level of trust. Unless, of course, you are strong enough not to give one actual fuck about the "one's in the shade." That's what I call the pretenders. The people who pretend to be good, when underneath they are rotting.

Quite frankly, I can handle the ones who show themselves as the rotten people they are, much easier. I know what they are. It is easy to spot them in the wild. I can plan my attacks, or I can ignore them, depending on my current state of mind. I can block them entirely if I so choose. I can eliminate them from my life because I know who they are, and I don't want them around me.

It's the shadowy people that frighten me and create within me, a lot of unwanted anxiety. Being vulnerable and sharing can be very healthy, but if not done in a safe environment, it can end up making you feel worse, not better. 

It's like the times I was inspired to share with someone because I felt a connection with them. Oh, and make no mistake, that happens very easily for me. That's why I would always find myself in situations. It's quite easy for me to feel a connection with someone. But I digress. 

Anyway, back on topic. I would feel a connection with a person. I would feel such a fondness for them, that I felt safety. Do not mistake fondness for safety! Not everyone is a safe person. Additionally, they do not have to receive your vulnerability if they don't want to. There is a fine line between Exposing your vulnerability and trauma dumping. 

Trauma dumping is for therapy. I think you need to ask the person first if they are open to hearing you. The subject matter could be triggering for them, for one thing. So it is not the listener's fault that I am now feeling exposed and unsafe. Don't talk about deep shit without absolute trust and consent. This is something I have learned.

Because there is nothing worse than sharing and having the listener respond awkwardly to you. Where they don't know what to say. Where they are shocked by your revelation. I still remember a time that happened to me. I'd been drinking and tend to like to talk when I drink. I overshared. I still remember the person's silence. I never wanted to experience that feeling again.

So yeah, even on FB I do not share as often. It doesn't feel safe even though I do know there are many people there who support me. There are also many, that I don't know as well. I don't want to give them a chance to judge the kind of person I am. I wish I didn't care because being vulnerable on social media encourages other people to also be vulnerable, and that is a good thing. I just got tired of all the pretending on FB. All the showcasing of marvellous lives. All the humble bragging. It's not their fault though. They might need a pat on the back. And they might be genuinely sharing about their lives. I am a distrustful person at heart. 

So anyway, circling back to the actual topic of this goddamn post, that guy who promised he was going to kill me and my entire family, has not fulfilled his promise. We often sit and ponder where he is and how he is doing. Is he still planning to come? WHERE IN THE GODDAMN HELL IS THIS ASSHOLE?????

He was abysmally losing the argument because of my wit and quick responses. He tried the personal attack avenue of defence, as most bullies do, but that didn't work. My comebacks were on fire. It was like a spiritual experience, in fact. It always is a little magical. Where does this quick wit come from? How do I know the exact right thing to say, to set them off? Am I being assisted? Maybe it's another person existing in this body helping me out. Not in the DID way. I don't believe that is a legitimate disorder. 

But there may be a multitude of souls living in one body. We will never know each other though. The way this is possible is because our universe is run by determinism. According to an actual fucking renowned scientist, Albert Einstien, everything that has happened, and ever will happen, has already happened. This theory makes our sense of free will an illusion. We are in this body for the experience of living this life. I guess so we can learn whatever. That is what I believe is going on.

Therefore, why wouldn't more than one soul be allowed to exist within our bodies? We aren't in any actual control over our lives so there would be no fight for dominance between all the entities living there. We are all together in this body, to experience this life. We are along for the ride. 

It's good we have the illusion of free will tho. We need to have a sense of control over our own lives. We need to believe that we are making choices and it is through those choices that we become the people we are. I'm not going to stop making decisions about my life, for example. But deep down, I know those decisions were always predetermined. 

Wow, I've very predictably gotten entirely off track. 

Elusive man, toxic waste producer human. Vile contaminant emitting blob of matter, existing without a soul. Not real. Reduced to a non-human entity. Not anything at all. Just a negative unfeeling, being. Are you even real at this point? Can we even call you a real person? I don't think you are. And make no mistake; there are non-humans living among us.

I think they are here to stir the pot. To create controversy. To commit inhumane atrocities. That is to show us the pathway to love and compassion. It is to evolve our consciousness maybe. I don't fuken know. My point is that these things don't seem to be human. There is a vital ingredient missing. Behind their eyes is an empty void. And the most important thing that proves they are non-human is that there is no chance of spiritual growth. They will always be the garbage that they are.

Maybe originally only one soul was living in our bodies. We are living a carbon copy of someone else's life. We are experiencing their choices and the outcomes of those choices. 

I've got to stop. I've really got to stop.

Thanks for reading this. It means a lot to me, to be able to share myself and to feel safe doing it.