What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

I would be happy with travelling locally, not necessarily visiting other countries. I have a lot of anxiety venturing outside my front door, so travelling is a barrier for me in that respect. But some things would ease my anxiety a great deal when it comes to travelling and I would feel a great deal more comfortable travelling if these issues were taken care of.

My younger self did not have a problem with going places and I had a very adventurous spirit. I was eager to get in the car and go places not being content to sit at at home. How did I become like this present person, you may ask? That is a fair question and a difficult one for me to answer.

I think my previous drive to go places was also born out of anxiety. If I did not have plans and things to do, anxious thoughts would plague my mind. Now my anxious thoughts are centered around having to leave my home. The things that once terrified me, such as fatal illnesses, my children being kidnapped, and the apocalypse, for example, are no longer the things that scare me the most. 

I'm not sure why my anxieties have changed to merely agoraphobia and not specific tragic situations happening to me or my family. It could be due to anxiety meds. It could be trauma I experienced during my addiction when I was mingling with dangerous people. I just feel safest at home, is all. 

But I do enjoy going places when I force myself or when circumstances force me. It isn't easy, but I can do it. A major barrier for us is our beloved dog, Sunny. She is not always great with other dogs, and when visiting my family, that has been an issue. Additionally, she has major separation anxiety, so leaving her at a kennel would be out of the question for us.

Another problem is that we can't 100% trust that our vehicle will not have issues. Which leads to another barrier, which is our finances. Idk why, but when we were younger we didn't let our finances or our vehicle stop us from going places. I think aging has made practical issues more important to us. Also, the dogs we had were small and easy to travel with. 

We are by no means poor. But we don't have a lot of wiggle room financially. My dear late uncle has left us an inheritance, so come spring we will be in a better financial place to go on some adventures. We plan on visiting both sides of the family and having a little holiday at the resort where we got married. It will be ever so good for me, to challenge my fears. I need to spend time with my dad, as he has terminal esophageal cancer. 

I want for us to experience some enriching activities while we still can. My partner has a congenital defect in his heart that we recently found out about. He had to have open heart surgery and now has to take a litany of medications. He is not the same person mentally. So, I want us to be able to visit some longtime friends and his family. I feel that is important for his healing. Anyway, that's about it for today. I fear travel, but know that if all of our ducks are in a row, the experience would be enriching for our family. Therefore, I will not let my fears run the show. I will dare to live!

Thank you very much for reading this.