Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?

I am a goddamn rock! A year ago, I was not thinking about change, nor did I want to change. Well, maybe I wanted to change, but did not want to make the effort required for that change to happen. The only changes of vital importance to my life, are related to my health. I don't exercise anymore; I smoke, and I overindulge at times. But I don't have the obsession I used to have, to be healthy and fit. It may have been bordering on an addiction, but at least it was a healthy vice.

These rocks, that I've collected haven't changed, so why should I? That is my attitude now. They just sit there all day, never moving, and I don't hear them complaining. This thrift store find candy dish has been their home, and they have had no desire or yearning to leave it.

That is how I am, and it is how I live. Am I content? Some days I am, other days, not so much. Do I wish for things, do I yearn for adventure? Yes, of course I do.

But then I think about it and realize I don't need those things or those experiences. In the bathroom I was looking around, seeing how much nicer it could be with a new sink and cabinets. But that is crazy. Because we have a perfectly functional sink. It produces hot and cold water out of its taps. It is amazing! I think about how, in many parts of the world, people exist without indoor plumbing. What they are wishing for is what we have. Or maybe they are not wishing for my bathroom at all. Maybe they don't wish for what is not possible for them to have. 

So my bathroom is pretty goddamn amazing just as it is. 

As a younger woman, I always had goals. I was eternally striving to better myself. Some changes I was successful in achieving, some I wasn't. I had an inner drive propelling me, making me move. I was always moving, always busy. Always wanting to go somewhere or do something. Who the fuck was that person because she's been nowhere to be found for years?

Now, keep in mind that I was heavily self-medicating. I had a shopping addiction, I was obsessed with my appearance and how I looked. I was wine-drinking regularly. All to be able to fit into a world that felt "off" to me.

Something has never been quite right in the world. It's always felt like a foreign environment. I'm talking about the society I belong to. There are times I have been comfortable out there, but only with real people. Being in the world, you never know who is real and who is not. That is very confusing and discombobulating. So I needed distractions to take my focus away from what I was seeing around me. I loved garage sales. 

Why don't I still love garage sales?

The best people to be around, for me, are indigenous people. I grew up in a predominantly First Nations community. A lot of my family members are FN. Within that community, I feel the most accepted and embraced. Additionally, I never have to wonder if they are real people. I feel safe. Even if I've never met them before, they make me feel as if I am family. They put me to work helping to make Bannock. They boss me around. They laugh at me and my ways, but not in a mean way. I wish I was back there, with real people. That will likely never happen, unless through a miracle. I will have to be content with visiting. Although we rarely even go there anymore. Traveling with our dog is hard and we would never leave her at a kennel. I digress. 

The community was entirely burned down a few years ago and is only now being rebuilt. Luckily none of my family members lost their homes because they lived out of town. The community is still so vibrant and alive. They are ensuring they remain connected to each other. That community, as it was, and even as it is now, is where I feel like I belong. I wish I could live there.

But alas, that is only a wish and I am not entitled to have it come true. Are any of us entitled to have what we want? Not really, in my opinion. We aren’t entitled to a fucking thing. I think we have to start with that attitude. It doesn’t mean we can't try to make our goals and wishes come to fruition. Many of us can, but more can't. So if others can't have their wishes fulfilled, regardless of the effort they put in, why the fuck should anyone else? What gives us the entitlement?

All this goddamn toxic positivity, self-improvement, goal setting bullshit is only for the privileged people. You will not be able to convince me otherwise so don't even try. I don't want to fight about the different forms of privilege and how being identified as having privilege is not a personal attack. And trying to explain to you the importance of recognizing your privilege and how that doesn't make you a bad person, but rather makes you able to see the ways others are oppressed. (BTW the "you" I am talking to is not necessarily the "you" reading this) You know what I mean.

Make no mistake, even though we are far from wealthy, we have privilege. Although we can't travel, can't own a home and have one vehicle that if it breaks down, we might not have the money to fix it. Still, we have a nice home. Nice for us, anyway. Our furniture isn't the greatest, but it's functional. We have nice phones and devices. We have some nice things. I love my China cabinet because it was free. And so very beautiful. I have nice things to display in it. I have my plants. Oh, and our dog Sunny who is the light of our life.

We always have food to eat, and our rent is always paid on time. All this is already so much privilege. There was a period of time when we were young, for a couple of years, the food bank was a necessity. When it was difficult to pay the rent on time. When we didn't always have a car.

I have a dad who will always help us if we need it or if there is an emergency. My parents gave us a car once when we needed one for my partner's job. They have helped us financially when we were in dire straits. Many people don't have that kind of support to fall back on.

So when I start wishing for change or wanting things, I remember I am not entitled to any of it. Not one single wish is mine to take. There are things I can change though. Things I want to change. Things I need to change if I want to live a while longer. The thing is, the drive isn't there anymore. I want it to be. But I guess I don't want to be healthy enough to change.

I am content with my life as it is. I have all my physical needs met. I have a loving family. Mental illness is controlled for the most part. My addictions are managed. I am not a danger to myself or others, haha!😂 I think the past few years are the most stable periods of my life if I'm being honest. So, although nothing much has changed during the past year, I am content. And I will continue to be content with what we have knowing I'm not entitled to any fulfilled wishes. Anything good that comes along will be a bonus. It will be a gift. And it will be appreciated. 

There is so much more I want to say, but at some point, I need to wrap things up.

So I will end by saying, I am like my dish of rocks, content to be where I am.