What relationships have a positive impact on you?

MY DOG, MY DOG, MY DOG! She gets me through my worst days. She offers me bonding and amusement. She offers me companionship when I am lonely. But also:

There are too many relationships to count when thinking about who has had a positive impact on my life. Too many relationships to even remember, that have impacted my life in positive ways. For all the help this impact gave me in getting my shit together, is another question. That, of course, is not their fault. 

First and foremost, my partner and my kids have overall been the most positive forces in my life. Without them, I never would have had the motivation to get better. Quite frankly, I'd probably be living on the streets, if I am even alive, in this existence without my family. 

I know positive change is best endeavored through intrinsic motivation. It should ultimately be for my benefit. Yet, if I am being honest, it was all for my family and my desire not to hurt them that fueled my recovery the most. Addiction was such an insidious force in my life. It is so creepily sneaky, is it not?

It took years and years for my addictions to go from functional self-medicating to having me nearly end up on the streets, losing my partner and children. But make no mistake, the last leg of my addiction journey happened ever so quickly. So fast, I never even saw it coming. That's how devious addiction is. That's how Insidious it is in its masterful illusion. The way it tricks you into a comfortable, placating, slumber. Where you can not only function but also achieve some pretty meaningful accomplishments. 

But alas, the last year of my addiction was the most destructive for not only myself but also for my family. And I only got better because my Doctor yelled at me for a solid fifteen minutes, finally having had enough of me. She is the kindest person, always laughing, always caring. But even she has her limits. I was always very honest with her. Even when the pills she prescribed were becoming a problem for me. I wanted to get better.

She was just sick and tired of all my talk, and no action. Sadly though, this was not the end. Well, there never will be an end. Her screaming at me, shocking me into lucidity, was only the beginning of my recovery. I was on the methadone program for ten years after that. Now don't get me wrong, methadone works for a lot of people. It is a very useful means of harm reduction.

Being the way I am tho, I began abusing my methadone. And pretty soon I was buying other people's methadone as well. They, in turn, used the money I gave them to buy heroin. What a goddamn mess. I was taking so much methadone, I was nodding off all the time. I was shovelling anything sweet down my throat. I lost three teeth. A nice memory I have is watching anime with my son. I watched a lot of anime with him. I made my kids a lot of Sundays and smoothies. I was dope sick a lot too. I ran out early a few times a week. The sickness was the worst.

Why couldn't I figure it out? I didn't realize that after a certain dosage, there is no achieving that ultimate high anymore. Make no mistake, this drug did initially give me a warm fuzzy feeling. Of course, I wanted to keep that going. I was numb for ten years. Very slowly, I weaned off of the methadone. It was losing a few teeth that motivated me the most while in my brain fog. I am a very vain person in some ways. I am so vain; I hate anyone outside of my little family seeing me now. Alas, how time and a rough life can take their toll on us. Luckily the teeth I lost are not visible to the naked eye.

Whatever, I'm not cute anymore. Deal with it!😂 (my partner loves me in all the ways I've ever been or ever will be. So it matters not.)

Feeling feelings again was the worst part of my recovery. I was pretty much a basket case for around five years, even though it only took me a year to get completely off of methadone. I cried ever so much. I had a few memorable meltdowns. Those filled me with the most regret. My mind had completely lost all of its control. Nothing could console it. 

You know what? My journey through addiction isn't quite over. For example, my ADHD medication is locked in a safe. My partner gives me three pills a day. I have proven that I cannot be trusted. Why take the prescribed dose, when I can get so much more done if I take a few more? Not to mention how much more creative I think I am. But I am okay with being restricted.

It's embarrassing really, to not have control over my impulses. 

Circling back to the original goddamn question, tho. There are so many people who've positively impacted my life. People who I've learned from. Even through my years of addiction, I had so many beautiful people in my life. I had a lot of street friends, for example. There was an older man named Mark, I would talk to him for hours sometimes. He was a severe alcoholic and had a brain injury. He was very lonely and liked to talk to everyone. Our whole city knew about him and loved him. 

Many days, I would bring him a bottle and a pack of smokes. I'd seen him have a seizure and crack his head open once. It was very scary. Additionally, how can I look at a friend who is so, so, sick, and not help them? He wasn't going to get better. He was hardcore. He was not going to change. So why not make his life easier? He collected bottles to support his habit. He even invented a motorized cart he could easily push around.

But aging had made it increasingly more difficult for him to fund his addiction, no longer being physically able to walk around all day collecting bottles. He was very good at bottle collecting while in his prime, tho. He was fast and efficient. He knew where to look and where to go. He had a system. 

Of course, there were other people during that time, as well, who left their imprint on me. There was Zack the busker. He was a very talented musician and philosopher. He was schizophrenic. He was travelling from city to city. He had a family who loved him dearly. He and I would talk a lot. An awful lot. We were friends until he disappeared. I've often wondered about him. I could write a book about all the colorful characters I knew back then, 

I must stop. But I think I will continue the stories another time. There are so many people worth being written about. So many of the forgotten ones. 

I'll end this for now, even though many more people contributed greatly to my spiritual growth. Once again, thank you ever so much for reading my stuff. I love that here in this place, I have a means to be seen and recognized as a human. ❤️

Oh damn. I was going to talk about Mama. I don't want to leave her out. I have written about her tho. And that has been so healing for my grief. I must stop for now, I have some things to do. The living must live, after all.

*I'd also like to add that many important people are left out of this writing. I have been influenced by every single person who has entered into my life, after all. Can you imagine writing about each and every person? It would be impossible. And even the negative influences shape our personalities. That cannot be helped or prevented. I appreciate my parents for doing their best to raise me. I was the odd one in our family. I didn't quite fit.

There are too many positive influences to count. 

Yet I still ended up the way I am. Sometimes a life is too tiring. We lose steam, do we not? Here, as an older person, I am tired. This life has worn me out. That is nobody's fault. Not even the transgressors. It's not my fault either. It is, what it is. I am here, a tired to the bone, old lady, lol.😴