Ha! What are my biggest challenges? With the state of my bones, moving has become a great challenge. That comes with age, but also with my apathetic attitude. For I am certain that if I moved my body more, perhaps my bones would not be so futile. Moving more makes moving easier.

But alas, apathy and its patheticness make me not care very much about being an alive person. Been there, done that. I've been a contributing member of society. Quite frankly, that is a highly overrated endeavour to undertake. 😂 I've been fit and healthy. I've been beautiful. I've had a social life. I've had a job. I've  (we) have raised our children. Now, I will be an apathetic blob, if you don't mind. Well, whether you mind or not, is irrelevant. 

Is it becoming obvious now? My greatest challenge is apathy. I want to care about the things living people care about, in the way I used to. I was highly motivated back in the day. Yes sireeee. I wasn't content unless I had a new hobby or goal to occupy my mind. My goals now consist of keeping my plants alive and making sure my dog is happy. 

This apathy is the result of chronic depression, which, over the years, has become much worse. I can be happy at certain times. Sometimes it takes great effort and a mind adjustment. But I can fool myself into happiness. It's like, there is no in-between for me. I'm either very happy, apathetic or, in the end, very sad.

During my younger years, it was anxiety that was the bane of my existence. I could not be fully in the moment because, in the back of my mind, I knew I was going to die of a horrible, shameful disease. I knew I would suffer. How can you have fun, knowing those things? So what I did was I distracted myself as much as I could with lofty goals and self-medicating. When I had children, my irrational fears about my health transferred to my children. Any illness they had put me into great internal distress. Any illness I'd hear about on the news overwhelmed my mind. 

But both my children grew up and are very healthy, so I wasted so much of my time and energy being afraid, did I not? Ugh! I never sought mental health support. I kept it all inside. I never even told Joe. Living with those fears, alone inside my mind, was terrible. I think the negative stigma surrounding mental health, kept me from opening up to anyone. I wish I'd never suffered in silence. Look at me now, not having died of the deadliest disease of the 80's? I am still here. Oh and also, a giant asteroid didn't destroy our entire planet. The nuclear war didn't happen either. There was no need to plan for doomsday, lol! I could have been so much happier.

I wish I cared about my health tho, the way I once did. I'm glad I am no longer so very afraid, tho. I am mostly content, even if I am apathetic about my existence. I should be more appreciative! Goddamn me and my apathy! Apathy can kick rocks! I can recall when all I was reading were self-help books. For every new-age pop culture book that came out, I was at the bookstore. Where the hell are all those books now? Ha! 

My point is that I cared about myself back then. I cared about my physical health and my spiritual growth. I want to care again. I do care about "not caring" tho. That is something, at least. That is a starting point. A place to begin. 😂😂😂

This year, I am going to force myself to work on my physical and mental health. I will be going back to see my counsellor in the spring. And I am going to move my body around more. I will start small because my fitness has degraded drastically. I am not as I was. I will eat healthier food. I would love to quit smoking. So far my apathy has made me not care about the dangers of smoking.

As a younger person, I frequently quit smoking. Sometimes I only smoked if I drank. The thing is, if you drink a lot, you may as well be a full-time smoker, am I right? But yeah. I'd quit sometimes for years at a time. And, of course, I would not smoke during pregnancy or in the house. I was afraid of the consequences of smoking on my health back then. That was my motivation. But now, I have no fear, that is the problem. 

So that is the answer to today's question. Apathy is the bane of my existence. It is the biggest hurdle I will ever overcome. To go from not giving a single fuck, to caring. Wow, that's gonna take some work. 

Anyway, I'd like to wish everyone a happy new year. It is quiet here in my house. My partner has gone back to work and will be gone for three days. He works as a caregiver for intellectually disabled people. It is what I previously did as well until I went into hibernation. 

Today I feel melon-colic. 🙃 I know the very worst of my depression and apathy are on their way here. They are currently one town away. I didn't ask for them to come, goddamn them!😂 It is a cycle and I feel it coming. I've felt it for about a week, but I push it away and try not to notice it there lurking. Depression is much like the spectres in the Phillip Pullman "His Dark Materials" series. They suck out all of our vitality, those devious bastards! You know when they are near, but you try and ignore them. Which of course, in the end, is impossible. 

Yikes, today's writing has been dark. Yet, I don't think I am dark. I am light, existing in darkness. You will only see me from a distance. On that note, I bid you farewell. I will be back in around a week. Maybe I'll muster the energy before then, to write. I hope so. Also, thank you ever so much for reading my stuff.