What could you do differently?

If our universe is deterministic, and I believe it is, than I can not do anything differently. I like that I have the illusion of free will though. Whatever fantastic decisions I make, that create the best outcomes, I can take full credit for. If I make shitty decisions tho, I will have the option to blame determinism, and not myself. 🙃

In conclusion, any good decisions made, I will take credit for. Any bad decisions, determinism will be to blame. 

In all seriousness though, there are vast amounts of things I should be doing differently. Piles upon piles of terrible choices I've made. This is why most choices, I am now restricted from making. Being isolated has been good for so many reasons. These past ten years I've hardly departed from my home. It has eased a lot of pressure off of me. 

Friends are no longer an obligation. I don't spend money on things I don't need. I don't become friends with people who might steer me in the wrong direction. I am safe, and financially we are much better off. 

But even if I did go places, I don't think I'd care about spending money on things. That seems to be in the past. I do not have the drive anymore. I mean, I really loved buying clothes, makeup, ect....I could not care less about those things anymore. I wish I cared just a little bit tho. 

I remember when I had an obsession with vacuum cleaners, lol! I bought one for a lot of money, took it back and bought an even better one. For a while we had around five vacuum cleaners. I was also obsessed with cleaning products and candles. I was obsessed with tweezers. Only the best. Yeah, I spent a lot of time tweezing. I found it fun and relaxing. No need to wax facial hair. I enjoyed relaxing on the couch with a good movie, tweezing the shit out of my face. Not literally. My partner thought it was weird.

One time, I got so obsessed with tweezing that I started thinking string was being pulled out from beneath my skin.

Now you all know just how crazy I am, lol! 🤪

I do have to be careful with my obsessions though, because they can get out of hand.

The decisions I want to make differently are all to do with my health. The thing is, I must care. And I care so very little. I do care about not caring. I wish I cared. That is how I achieved all my health goals in the past, was by caring very much. I was driven to be healthiest person I could be. Of course, I was also obsessed with my external beauty. Not so much anymore. I don't miss all the pressure. Young women get it the most.  

And I sure as heck don't miss being stalked and sexually harassed. With social media now, young women have it even worse. I fear for the teens especially. I know if I'd had social media I would have gotten myself into so many unsafe situations. Even without social media, I was a clear and present danger to myself. Make no mistake. I was not the sharpest knife in the drawer, to put it mildly. 

I am ever so grateful that our daughter has always had a good head on her shoulders. She has never been obsessed with dating. Not in the least. She spends the majority of her time at home, unless she is at school. I never have to worry about her, or if she is safe. 
 
Predictably, I've gone off on several tangents. Oh well, tis me, is it not? 

By the way, I sometimes like to write in old fashioned ways. In case you haven't noticed. 

This is a crappily written peice of writing. I am reemerging from my week of extreme apathy. Tho, I do tend to write in a very raw and unpolished way. I don't know if I want to change the way I write, crappy or not.

Circling back to the actual fucking topic. I don't think I could do anything differently. This is because I am a determinist. I am glad the illusion of free will is so strong though, or we'd all probably throw in the towel and give up. The thing is I can make choices to better my life, and it will feel like I made those choices. So then I can feel I have some control over my own goddamn life. I can feel empowered. 

This week I smoked vastly less than I normally do. I had to force myself to smoke so I wouldn't get a headache and only smoked around 5 cigarettes a day. That is amazing. That is what happens with my extreme apathy. Idk why, so don't ask.🙃

I am going to make an effort to move more and to smoke less. Also to not eat garbage food. I will start a personal journal of recording all my good and bad habits. Take care everyone. Thank you for reading this. 🙂