What is your mission?

My mission in life is to be as kind and compassionate as the dude from the movie, "My Idiot Brother." If you haven't seen the movie, the main character guy is basically very naive and only sees the best in people. He wants to make everyone around him happy but has to let his sisters down by doing the right thing. He believes in the innate goodness of all people, to a fault. He trusts that everyone has the best intentions, just as he does. 

However, to be as wholesome and as kindhearted as this guy would require a level of naivety and trust that I simply don't have. Therefore, my mission is impossible. Alas, my age and experience have made me jaded and distrustful. BUT!!!! Take heed! I have not given up altogether. No sireeee!

My new mission, which I am hopeful of achieving is simple, yet will still be a great challenge for me. My mission is to love. How goddamn corny is that??? Yeah, it's pretty goddamn corny. But I learned great lessons from the hippy kindhearted character, did I not? Yes, I learned that the very most important thing is love for our fellow man, and for all living creatures. 

I want to cease judging people's flaws, no matter how abhorrent they are. It's much easier to look past minor character deficits, is it not? Or it should be. But actually, no it isn't easy. The only hope I have is not to necessarily stop judging altogether (although I wish I could) but to learn to keep my fucking mouth shut when I feel compelled to call someone out. Or, more accurately for me, to not be such a goddamn keyboard warrior. I do not need to fight. No matter how much of an asshole they are, I do not need to engage. 

I choose peace. 

That is my mission. To choose peace and love. Ugh, what the fuk? 

It should be simple right? Ha!!!!! I used to fight a lot. I was angry. So angry. So very, very, angry. See, the idiot brother was never angry, except when he had finally had enough. But in general, he was never angry. 

The bullies of this world enraged me. I am still enraged if I think too much about all the hatred and injustice. I had to step back from justice fighting though. Reading it every day was eroding my ethos. Reading their vitriolic hatred was infecting me like a virus.

Do you know the kind of books I love? I love books about adversity and injustice, but where in the end, love triumphs. Love wins in the end. No matter the devastation around them, no matter the injustice, they fight. You think those books are only about fictional scenarios right? Wrong! I read books about the great depression. About the holocaust. There are hidden heroes. There are helpers. Some people fight in the name of love. That is the only fight worth fighting. The fight against darkness and hatred. 

It takes love though, does it not? It takes great levels of compassion and empathy. I like to believe that I would fight in the name of love, if it came down to it. 

I had to step back from my online justice fighting, which, of course, is not the same as risking my life, but it is what I could do, given my limitations. I was ever so angry back then. I was fuming. I believe so very strongly in social justice and fairness. 

But what I was reading.....every day. All day long, wore on me over time. The comradery was the only thing that kept me going. Seeing the other justice fighters gave me hope. We had each other's back. But yet....seeing all of that hatred every single goddamn day was too much. Yet, many don't have a choice but to see it. That is worth remembering.

And here, now an older person, hiding in my home, I don't have to be confronted with misogyny and sexism anymore. I have Insulated myself. But also, I am no longer as much of a target as I was. Young women have it ever so much worse. 

But I digress. 

My staunch determistic views have helped me. The garbage people of this world cannot help being the garbage people they are. They were shaped and molded to be that way. It doesn’t mean I have to accept their ways though. Maybe moral responsibility doesn't exist, but the marginalized people of this world still need help, right? My belief that, ultimately, nobody is morally responsible only helps me in that it eases part of my load. It assists me in being a little less angry.

I believe even the very worst people have some goodness hidden in their cesspool consciousness. It has to be there. It has to be. Except, of course, the non-humans do not have any goodness. The top 1% and psychopaths are non-human. There is no humanity inside of them. Therefore, they can't be called human beings. 

This belief tho. This belief that some kind of goodness exists in most of the garbage people, helps me to see them differently. I am always watching for any sign. Any sign at all that underneath all of the toxic waste sludge exists innate human goodness. I watch ever so intently. I need to see that. 

So my mission is to love. Sometimes love requires fighting. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes love is caring for my animals every day. My mission is to try very hard to remember that underneath it all, we all have a sparkle. That sparkle is our capacity for love. It hasn't been snuffed out, even if it seems like it has. Sometimes a different avenue can be taken to reach people and their sparkle. It takes a lot of patience, let me tell you. But I have had days-long conversations with people misguided by their lived experiences, making them the people they are, which ended very well in my estimation. 

However, it requires that the person have a desire to see an alternative perspective even if they don't agree. It takes diplomacy. It takes a great amount of patience. It takes not getting triggered and reacting. For me, that is a great barrier. 

BUT! In my personal life, believing in humanity's innate goodness has made me feel so much less resentment and anger when I am feeling hurt by the past or present actions of people in my life. I can forgive others and I can also forgive myself. I can see their goodness, where previously I focused more on my anger towards them for what they were saying or doing. 

I react much less now. Of course, being isolated in my home makes having to face these kinds of situations head-on easier. But still, on the rare occasions, I have been in social situations, I have been able to react without my usual trauma response. To not get so worked up and upset. Think about the words I am going to use. Maybe it's my age giving me that discernment. Also, I am just so goddamn tired of fighting. 

And to see their goodness helps. To understand we are all flawed, to greater or lesser degrees, and that we ultimately have no control over that, helps. 

In conclusion, I want to reach people differently. I am taking a new path, and that is one of diplomacy. My mission is to be kind. It's much harder for them to be hateful when confronted with kindness and tact. That is a fact. So that is my mission for the rest of my life. To try my hardest to be like the idiot brother, and see the goodness that exists inside the majority of us. To trust that for the most part, our intentions are not to hurt others. I will be hopeful and see the sunshine. 🤮 I will bask in the love I have for my dog. When I am able I will have the discussions that we need to have. When I am feeling strong I will fight in the name of love. I know when I am not strong enough by how my body reacts. If I start shaking. If my face gets hot and red. If I have difficulty articulating myself. If I am stuttering. If I start crying. 

If I begin stumbling over my words. If I feel like I need to escape the situation and flee. 

So yeah. This is it for me. To be the idiot brother. Or at least to attempt to emulate him. Being that pure, I fear, is a mission impossible.