Let's talk about nightmares. Sadly, I am no longer inspired to cook the way I was when I was younger. I have passed that mantle on to my daughter, who I am very thankful for. She does the majority of the cooking now in our home. In the past my favorite dish to cook for my family and for guests was spaghetti. 

This day's writing prompt does not personally interest me, so I'm going to talk about my creepy dreams. 

I have repeated themes when it comes to dreaming. I have one, where my partner leaves me to go off to work for a cult. He never leaves me any contact information, so I never know if or when he will come home. I come to realize the cult is holding him against his will but I have no way to rescue him, as I do not know where the cult is located. These dreams are ever so upsetting. They point to my fear of abandonment that has plagued me throughout my entire life. The worst part is knowing he is suffering and I cannot help him. 

I also have dreams where he leaves me for another woman. Where he is apathetic towards my feelings. This is not in his character. In wakefulness, we are very close and bonded. I am secure in knowing he will never leave me, so I am not sure why I have these unsettling dreams. 

Another recurring dream is that I am living in an apartment, but I can't find it. I have forgotten the address or apartment number. All the apartment buildings look the same and I have no way of knowing which one is mine. Sometimes I have lost my key, so even if I know which apartment is mine, I can not get inside my home. The apartment manager is nowhere to be found. In these dreams, I have a home but have no way to access it. Sometimes, my children and pets are inside, but of course, I cannot get to them. In one dream, I finally got inside, and my dogs were alive but starving and traumatized. 

A variation of these dreams is that I find my apartment, but squatters keep coming in and taking over my home. They make horrible messes. They do drugs. They bully me. I try to lock them out, but the locks won't work. When the lock does finally work I am relieved, only to find there is another door I was not aware of where they are getting in. I am going from door to door, trying to keep them out. 

In these apartment dreams, there is always a storage basement. In this basement are rows and rows of all our family's discarded belongings, such as toys, the children's clothing, and other things we have discarded over the years. I walk through these rows of forgotten things with a melancholic heart, feeling sad that the days when these items were in our lives are over. These items hold all the memories of poignant times in our lives when our children were small. This basement is dark and exudes a dank energy. 

There is another repeated dream where I am going on a school field trip to another country. Once there, I can not find my belongings or medications. I have no money. I am in Paris but do not visit any of the sites. I also have dreams where I am graduating high school, but I am an adult, and all of my peers are much younger. Or where I never graduate but have to keep going back every year. I am an adult and even tho I like being back in a place that feels safe, I do not feel like I belong. I also have dreams where I have not completed assignments and I am behind everyone else. I cannot find the right classroom and I am always late and unprepared. That's pretty much how the entirety of my education played out in real life.

In one dream, my late mama left me a train journey to India. Do not ask why it was a train and not an airplane. In this dream, I am happily enjoying the luxurious train and the splendid views. I go on my laptop and do some writing. Suddenly a message appears on my screen. It is from a seemingly nice and trustworthy man. 

We strike up a conversation. After my trust in him had been established, he guided me through some steps on my laptop so I could share my writing with him. Afterwards, things become very dark. This stranger now has complete access to everything important to me. I become very afraid. He refuses to give up his access to my life. He starts a relentless blackmailing campaign against me, threatening to expose all of my writing to the world.

Idk why this so scary for me, but it is. I think it is because, during my time of intense attachment towards a mentor I had, I had sent them desperate and unhinged emails that I would be very embarrassed for anyone to see. Perhaps that is where the dream arises from. It could also be because, with that mentor, I had developed delusions where I believed he was a cult leader. I believed he had bad intentions towards me. I was convinced he had taken over my laptop and stolen all of my writing. I was ever so afraid. I had to spend a month in the psych ward to righten my head.

Even after that month, it took me several years to completely trust this individual. I wavered back and forth for a long time. We are friends now, and they are no longer my mentor. It was them being my mentor that messed with my brain I think.

Take heart. I have been existing in sanity, more or less, for several years now. I suppose these dreams are the residual trauma left over from all of that mess. 

Oh, I also have a recurring dream of this lesbian couple who take me under their wing. I randomly come across their cozy home in unrelated dreams where I am in the city. Their home is ever so wonderful. They have children and friends around. There is music and laughter. There is delicious food. Sometimes they reject me. Once I found them and they were busily getting ready for work and taking their children to daycare. I watched sadly as their car drove away, lol!

That's it for me today. Thank you so very much for reading this.